The Magical Adventures of Tilly McAngst
by TillyMcAngst
Summary: Follow the adventures of young Tilly McAngst, Fordon Greeman, One legged Ned and the rest of the crew! This is our parody of half life, pokemon, the internet and many more! We don't own any of the trademarked things in this story, nor do we want to
1. The Beginning

Chapter 1 "The Beginning"

_Our journey begins on a dark autumn night in the outskirts of the small town of Kurbsvy. We join our adventurer, Tilly McAngst, a 13 and 3/8 year old girl of 5'6", 94 pounds. She has long flowing blond hair and blue eyes like LED's. Tilly had never been seen near a dress in 5 years and had torn her barbies to shreds at the age of 4. She could always be seen dressed in tatty jeans and tight fitting tank tops with her trademark Preto Porta jacket that was ever so precious to her. Now let us begin..._

The night was dark. As dark as a very dark night. Tilly McAngst wandered along with her beloved pet ant eater, Shocapoka, who was on his leash. There was a gentle breeze, causing the autumn leaves to sway in a mystical fashion. A noisy noise could be heard over the horizon from the carnival in Virididan city. As the pair walked a long a noise could be hard in the bushes, causing Shcoaloka to jump to attention. Out of nowhere a headcrab leaped out of the bushes, missing Tilly McAngst's face by inches. This caused a battle to be initiated between the pair and the wild creature.

"Shocanoka", I choose you!" shouted Tilly McAngst.

The wild headcrab started the battle witha fierce tackle attack.

"Dodge it, Shocasnoka, and get it back with a Pointy Tongue Spear."

The headcrab missed, by millimetres as Shokatoka scored a critical hit.

"OK, Shocafoka lets finish this battle early with an Ant Cannon attack."

The attack lashed out fiercely and the enemy headcrab was left motionless on the ground.

"Alright let's catch this bastard! Shackle go!" the shackle entwined the comatose headcrab.

But suddenly the headcrab stated to glow!

"ZOMG this headcrab knows heal!!1!!1!!11!!one"

The headcrab leaped out of the shackle with as much energy as when the battle has begun.

"Here Shocanika take this Magical Marijuana Pill and I'll use this flashbang to blind the crab. Hit him with your strongest attack, Mega Nose Whack"

An image of pure ownage ensued and when the headcrab finally lay wasted a voice was heard in the distance, "Shocaqika is dominating!"

"We have defiantly got him this time, go Shackles". The Shackles closed around the crab and everything once again lay silent.

"Alright I caught a headcrab" Tilly McAngst cried as she held up her fingers in the classic peace symbol.

Suddenly a shot was heard, like a bullet, as the head crab exploded like a can of wiped cream against the power of a large mallet.

A tall man in a HEV suit stood there with a smoking double barrelled-shotgun.

"For goodness sake Fordon Greeman, just because you are an ex-scientist, now self-proclaimed hero, you can't just go around shooting peoples headcrabs."


	2. The Chapter After The Beginning One

Chapter 2 "The Chapter After The Beginning One"

The tall man, known as Fordon Greeman, stood there in the moonlight, his sliver glasses glistening. His orange and gray suit dusty from many battles. "My god his eyes are so blue they remind me of my marble collection" thought Tilly McAngst. Fordon opened his mouth as if to say something but only a low groan emitted from within.

"What's that?" Tilly McAngst proclaimed as Fordon pointed at his mouth.

"You say you have new braces and you go on to say we should proceed to the secret underground Preto Porta laboratory?"

Fordon grunted 3 more times in quick succession.

"Oh you mean One Legged Ned has something to tell me?" pointed out Tilly McAngst.

They arrived, hours later, drenched in sweat among other things. Preto Porta was a small shed with a single smashed window. An odd stain covered the south wall and the door was hanging off by one hinge, one crowbar to the door and it would be no more. Tilly McAngst peered through the western crack of the north side. All she could see was darkness and an odd shadow in the corner, perhaps belonging to a large spade or other garden implement. Fordon pulled open the wearing door almost ripping it off its hinges. Tilly McAngst stepped in after him.

A dazzling white light shone down upon them and filled the large bunker with cold light.

"Welcome to Minitech Doors security centre" said a calm female voice. "Minitech has detected a new person. Now automatically configuring your settings," A loud buzzing noise could be heard as a large microphone appeared from the wall approaching Tilly McAngst.

"Please state your name" the voice said.

"Tilly McAngst" Tilly McAngst said.

""An error occurred during this operation, we suggest the following: State your FULL name, Upgrade to our new premium package content, Use Linux or Format your system drive."

"Tilly Angus Mercury Bertha Yvette Angus Funsize McAngst"

"Thank you for using our voice recognition system" The calm voice stated. The microphone now moved towards Fordon and Tilly McAngst was preparing to hear a rare word escaping Fordon's tightly closed lips. He opened his mouth and took a breath...Suddenly an explosion was heard from behind the wall and a grumbling male voice could be heard

"For goodness sakes not again" the gruff voice said. Lights switched on and the wall in front of them faded away showing the room hidden behind it! An old man walked in and was shocked to see the trio.

"My god new people I haven't any outsiders in decades" The old man proclaimed "Names Jenkins, Old man Jenkins" Old man Jenkins said. "Now excuse me I've got to fix this bloody thing" he said. With that he produced a broom lifted it high in the air and whacked the computer with the force of an angry god, The lights came back on and the wall once again faded in

"See you around I'll expect, safe travels" Old man Jenkins said as he waved the trio off.

"Windows detected that the last time you shut down was due to a power failure. This has caused major data malfunctions and Windows is now switching to Japanese mode" the computer stated.

"TING TONG TAI" the computer demanded

"Ummmm WTF..." said Tilly McAngst

"TINGAHA TODY TONGYA GOYSHA SHOFLOP LOOBALLOFFO" The computer went on.

"Okay I've had enough of this Fordon get us out of here" Tilly McAngst cried

Fordon raised his trusty crowbar above his head and brought it down upon the door with one powerful strike crashing the door open. Finally they were in.


	3. The One After The One After The First 1

Chapter 3 "The One After The One After The Beginning One"

Gordon and Tilly McAngst stepped out of the airlock into the long corridor. The corridor seemed to go on forever, only broken up buy erratically placed doors on either side. The light was dazzling. They ventured on until they come to a fork in the corridor. The left hand turn had a large barricade and was marked "DO NOT ENTER! DANGER OF SHEPPLETS!" The right path was another corridor and was signed "Central lab". This corridor was in complete darkness. There was a sign on the wall with several warnings "Please dispose of all truffles before entering the premises. Please do not feed the hippopotamus. This sign has sharp edges, be careful." The silence was broken by a heavy clunking sound coming from the distance. Clunk… Clunk… Clunk… The sound approached the pair and Fordon raised his crowbar in a state of readiness.

"W-w-who's there?" said Tilly McAngst in a small voice.

The clunking became louder still. As it continued to get louder and louder Tilly McAngst got more and more nervous, Fordon however looked ready to pounce. The clunking stopped abruptly and all was silent until a gruff voice was heard,

"Well I'll be"

The lights flickered to life above them, spraying bright beams downwards.

As their eyes became adjusted to the bright light they could see a tall man standing before them.

The unknown man had long balding grey hair, tied back in a pony tail. His nose twisted in an odd direction, obviously broken many moons ago. His teeth protruded his gums like jagged tombstones. Below his pointed chin was a small roughly trimmed goatee. The man wore a leather Preto Porta jacket cut off at the sleeves with tattered fading blue jeans. On his right leg under the knee was a metal pole curved slightly at the end supposedly a replacement for his leg. A large spring was mounted to the end to act as a foot. He wore a large scuffed steel toe cap boot on the other foot. Around his neck was a large gold chain with a huge golden medallion stamped with the image of a headcrab. Completing his image was a flaming skull tattooed on his right forearm.

"Looky here Fordon looks like you bought us back some outsiders!" the man proclaimed. "How do you do? I expect you know me!"

"Ummmm well no not really" Tilly McAngst said in a quiet voice, obviously still shaken from what she thought was going to be a scary visitor.

"You mean you didn't see my article in Science Monthly?"

"Well no" Tilly McAngst said "But I did see Fordon's!"

"Blast I thought I was in it this time! Tiffany must have lied to me….." he said looking slightly upset. "Ah well, names One Legged Ned"

"Pleased to meet you, I'm Tilly McAngst and this is Shocabloka" Tilly McAngst said shaking Ned's hand.

"Follow me let me show you around" Ned said "Fordon I think your needed up in the Test Chamber, I hear the Cascade Array isn't going to well."

Fordon walked off and went down a flight of stairs. Ned and Tilly McAngst continued down the corridor supposedly, according to the sign, heading for the Central Lab. There were several rooms flashing by as they walked. In one room she caught glimpse of what appeared to be a luminous hippopotamus with eight arms protruding from its swollen abdomen. Another room contained what she could only describe as a swarm of flying Palawan Bearcats!

"Ah yes our finest Palawan Bearcats at work!" Ned said proudly "Were training them to sniff out truffles! There also very deadly you wouldn't want to get caught in a swarm of them!"

"Okay……." Tilly McAngst said.

They continued on down the corridor and finally reached a large metal door with "Central Lab" printed upon it.


	4. The One After Oh sod it, Chapter 4

Chapter 4 "The One Aft...Oh Sod It, Chapter 4"

The shiny door blocking their entrance looked brand new. It shone like a thousand suns in a tanning salon. There was a large hole, about the size of Tilly McAngst's hand to the left side of the door. Tilly McAngst wondered what mysterious object the key must be to fit such a hole. Almost as if Ned had been reading her mind he said

"Ah yes, this is a most special lock only I have the key to this!"

"But how does anyone else enter?" Tilly McAngst wondered aloud.

"Ah moving swiftly along!" Ned said hurriedly "Let's go on in!"

With that Ned lifted his right leg and with a sharp tug pulled the false leg off! He pushed the leg in to the large hole and twisted it in a mystical fashion. An audible click was heard and a voice spoke out "Access Granted".

The door swished open to the left and the trio entered the lab. The first thing that caught Tilly McAngst's eye was the large tank full of orange liquid with a humanoid body floating inside with many tubes and wires attached to it. It could be dead or it could be alive Tilly McAngst couldn't tell either way. The lab was a large square room, it looked like it used to be a old Summerfield's shop, as there was tatted old sign offering saver cards.

The wall on the left contained many screens, showing suvalence footage of labs and the streets around. Also on the monitors was footage of more of there human like creatures from the tank, walking up and down some circular stairs. On the main wall in front of Tilly McAngst was a huge screen with 2 scientists busy at work flipping switches and spinning knobs. Many more scientists where hurrying around the rest of the room busy with experiments or checking dials, machines hummed and beeped from all directions.

Ned ushered Tilly McAngst into the room, as they walked through all the commotion, scientists everywhere. Tilly McAngst bumped into a short scientist with gray hair almost knocking the beaker of green liquid from his tightly closed fingers. They reached the main screen and Ned approached the large console.

"Ah let me show you what we are up against Tilly McAngst" said Ned "We believe these creatures are using some sort of electromagnetic pulse radiation beam to help them control..." Ned stopped suddenly "Ah wait where are my manners?. I haven't introduced you to these two fine handsome strapping young lads at the console!"

Ned was indicating towards two greasy faced short, fat, plump men. They both looked very similar and could almost be twins if not for the large scar just above one of the mans eyes.

"Ermmm...Handsome...If you say so" Tilly McAngst proclaimed.

"Well I think their charming!" Ned said happily "This is Noar" Ned pointed to the man without the scar. "And this is Scar"

"Wait let me guess, Scar is the one with the horrific scar right?" Tilly McAngst said sarcastically . Ned looked thrilled  
"Oh My, how did you ever guess!"

"Dunno just a hunch" replied Tilly McAngst

A small metal door opened to the side and Fordon Greeman stepped out. A young woman closely followed him. She was about 19 almost 6ft but barley weighed 100 pounds. She had a fair complexion with "I just spent 8 years in front in front of the mirror" sort of look. The make-up on her face looked like it had been applied with a large spade as it was easily a centimetre think; it was slowly running down her chin and neck. Her lips were Botox injected lumps speared with a blood red lipstick. Her small frame was dominated by her large chest. She was wearing a bright pink pair of mini-shorts off set by a tight glittery bikini top. Under her left arm was a tiny tassel handbag, a strange noise was coming from within.

"Hiya guys I'm Tiffany, Tiffany McSlut" the women said in a cheap American accent.

"Ah yes, I don't believe you have met Fordans wife" Ned implied

Tiffany strutted across the room and did the classic American way of of kissing another person on each cheek and making the "MWAH" sound.

"Anyway guys I really gotta run, I have a client in 10 minutes" Tiffany said. Ned looked surprised

"Tiffany! I never knew you were an accountant" he said. Tiffany looked at him like he was some sort of moron  
"Oh yes, I do. But the only type of clients I deal with is always in a back ally pushed up against a wall" Tiffany turned to walk away. There was a loud crash and the main door flew off its hinges.  
"Oh god, they've escaped" said Ned


	5. Invasion of the Creatures

Chapter 5 "Invasion of the Creatures"

Hundreds upon hundreds of bearcats swarmed through the opening. Alarms sounded lights flashed and panic ensued.

"ZOMG DOES ANYONE HERE HAVE TRUFFLES?!" Ned shouted through the chaos. The bearcats were causing havoc jars exploded chairs collided and the walls rattled to their foundations. Every person in the room was running around trying to get to cover.

"Dear Lord, we need to recapture the bearcats. They could destroy Preto Porta!" Ned proclaimed.

"But how did they escape from their holding enclosures" Tilly McAngst pointed out "Someone must have released them!"

As if to answer her question gunfire was heard. Several of the same alien like creatures she has seen held in the tank stormed into the room, the bearcats were still manically flying around. The humanoid creatures were a dominating 6 feet tall, armoured in thick pale gray plastic-like material with a single large red eye above their jaws which jutted steeply from their armoured face.

"Over there get the girl" One of the creatures exclaimed in a robotic metallic voice.

Tilly McAngst suddenly saw 50 or so of these strange creatures swarming towards her. "We have to get out of here, NOW!" Ned shouted over the continuing chaos of gunfire and bearcats. Tiffiny, Ned, Fordon, Shocarocka and Tilly McAngst sprinted towards the escape pods located at the back of the lab. They had to run past exploding beakers and swarms of bearcats to reach the pods but when they got there they were out of luck.

"Good Gracious Me! These pods have all been deployed!" Tiffany proclaimed

"Those bastards Noar and Scar must have fled in them" said Tilly McAngst. And indeed this looked to be true as in place of the pod all that remained was a game boy colour and Pokémon red strategy guide.

"We will have to take the Jeep instead, I keep it parked out back. Follow me I know a shortcut!" Ned said.

The group exited the chaos, still with the creatures following them, and ran down corridors taking many twists and turns along the way. As they turned a corner indicating the garage they were faced with a scene of horror. Four of the workers had been shot down and now hung by their legs, skinned alive. The culprits of this action could be heard inside the garage as one of them said "Nice shot" to the other in a robotic voice.

"The creatures are in there" Tilly McAngst whispered "Everybody stay quiet"

"SORRY CAN YOU SAY THAT AGAIN?" Ned proclaimed

The creatures sprang to attention and appeared guns in hand. The group were now trapped with creatures following them and creatures beore them.

"RUN, FOLLOW ME!" Ned said

The group took a sharp turn into a secret corridor and entered a ventilation shaft. They emerged on the other side of the shaft in a small 4 metre square room. The only things within were a cupboard and the collection of dust expected from a room without use in years. Tilly McAngst opened the door carefully and peered out, there were 10 of the creatures on patrol outside.

"It looks like we are trapped in here" Tilly McAngst said "There is no way out"

"Poppycock" Ned said "I can get us out of here!" With that he opened the door and shouted "Oi, You there come and take me on man to man"

The creatures all turned around in a state of readiness and fired at Ned, Ned only just got back in the room and locked the door before he was shot.

"Oh great now we are really stuck here" Tilly McAngst said sounding very annoyed.

Meanwhile Shocazocka was sniffing at the cupboard with great interest. He was sure there was something inside but his lack of speech made it impossible to exclaim his knowledge. Tiffany noticed Schoaocka sniffing at the cupboard and spoke up "Hey look the rat seems to be interested in the cupboard!"

Tilly McAngst approached the cupboard with great interest and slowly opened the door... She was shocked at what was inside, a man of about 50 hung inside by his feet on a coat hook. He was a simple boring looking government official with grey hair and a Bright pink briefcase strapped to his back. He looked to be asleep, but suddenly opened his dark blue eyes. "IM UPSIDE DOWN!!1111eleven" He shouted at the top of his voice. Everything twisted below Tilly McAngst feet as the whole world turned into a swirling mass of colour. She hit the ground with a great force and everything went black.


End file.
